Wednesday, April 23, 2003
"Am I looking for real depth? Or am I simply trying to avoid my own shallow tendencies by looking "deeply" at superficial stuff that doesn't matter?"
That's a question I posed to self a few weeks ago in a dead tree journal (notebook) when I was away from the PC and couldn't blog. I don't know where I was going with it then, but I know what the question does to me now: I hope my "depth" is real and not just a facade. Things tend to bug me deeply; but at the same time, I realize that alot of what I ponder deeply doesn't mean a hill of beans to other people.
So, are my ponderings making me a better person, a more solid Christian, a better example of Christ-likeness? That's where it hits the fan, because I don't know. I've always been more abstract and mental in my approach to Life, the Universe and Everything. But I can also tend to think instead of do, and there's got to be something wrong with that.
I find myself judging folks as being unteachable, unwilling to learn or open themselves to new ideas/mindsets/paradigms. And at the same time, I might be unteachable in the sense that I don't want to let go of things either... I'm learning so much, but it often feels like I'm learning in a vacuum, and none of it is playing out as well as it is "in my head." Scary.
So, I don't know. Maybe I do think too deeply about stuff that's of no importance. I hope it's not hiding an internal shallowness, but I can fight against that by seeking God above all, by making sure my "depth" is measured inside of His infinite depth/height/width.