Sunday, June 29, 2003
I want to blog. But I don't want to talk about what's got me bummed. Maybe later. Right now...
I ordered some new books from B&N. Not sure why, since I'm in the middle of at least two others right now. We received a $10 coupon good on $50 or more, so Vicki and I got a few books we've been eyeing for a time:
- Dr. Atkins' New Diet Revolution, Dr. Robert Atkins
- Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, JK Rowling
- Ella Minnow Pea, Mark Dunn
- Atonement, Ian McEwan
- Ash Wednesday, Ethan Hawke
It seems that no one's listening, that no one cares, that no one's paying attention. That's pretty self-centered and self-serving, and I'm sure it's only my perception and not reality, but that's where I'm at right now. I'm not angry with anyone; I'm not even thinking of anyone in particular. It's just an overbearing sense that I'm not on the same page with the rest of the world, or at least the rest of my little world. And in the midst of this, when I see others seeming to have a full-on presence-filled time with the Lord, for me He's oddly quiet right now.
I don't mind that, really. "Desert experiences" in this christian walk are best served quietly, contemplatively, steadfastly. Faith is reborn and renewed and refreshed in the void that's left when there's nothing left. If He's God in the full times, He's still God in the empty times, or He's not God at all. He proves Himself in the wilderness, and we get proven, too.
My questions right now... Do I identify with Christ, or with my church? Do I have my being in Him, or in what I'm doing for Him? Is my relationship with Him based on what He's done for me, said to me - or is it based on His life, His truth, Himself being born in me? If everything else is gone, is Jesus still enough? I'm not looking for the approval of men, but at the same time I am in submission to Pastor, mutually submitted to others, submitted to Christ through them... what does that look like in "real life"?
Meanwhile, I'll read... think... pray... study... teach. And I'll rely on Him, because it's all I've got.