Monday, September 08, 2003
For anyone who knows me in "real life" and who might be reading this: please don't take anything personally, and please don't take it any more or less seriously than anything else you might've read here. I'm in preamble mode, and I might never actually type out what I'm feeling, but I'm here and this blog is here and this is what I do.
Why do I blog? Because I like to write. It's neat that there are people who read it, but if no one ever read it, I'd still do it. I like to write, and I'm a decent typist. And I've got more thoughts in my head than are allowed, so from time to time some of them have to jump ship and land somewhere. If they're worth keeping a while longer, they show up here. Maybe. But I don't write to be read, even though I know others read. I also don't hide anything, at least not consciously, because I know people are reading. Even when I keep a "private" journal, I expect that someone somewhere will read. So my only "editting" is in how I say something so that it best reveals what I'm thinking, so that it inflicts the least amount of physical pain, and that it somehow shows that I'm wrestling with something meaningful and worth the fight. The only times I don't write are times when I'm unsure of what's going on, when I'm not sure that this is really what I think, when I'm more confused than anything else and haven't taken the time to crunch the truth. Other than that, what you see here is what you get. I can be as open and vulnerable as I want, and I can be a hidden and covert as I want. It's my blog. You're welcome to browse, but please remember that this is an exhibition, not a competition. No wagering.
That is probably one of the longest paragraphs I've ever written in my life. And that was just setup.
I need to get this out of my system: why am I taking the bible college class I've committed to? "Excellence in Evangelism", mostly a video series with Ray Comfort, with extra additions from Pastor Mike. I told Pastor in passing that I didn't want to take either course being offered this fall semester (the other is "Intercessory Prayer"), and that that probably means I should've signed up for both. But our schedule at home is tight in the evening, so I'm only taking the evangelism course, earlier in the evening.
Why am I taking this class? [this is where the please don't take this personally/seriously part comes in]... I am so out of touch with what's going on in these videos. I'm really lost - the need to "defend the faith", for me, is all about story, not proofs and arguments and discussion. I'm either going to be the best student in the class, having to study harder to get the stuff that's just not doing anything for me - or I'm going to flunk it royally, unable to process what I can't feel....
I know that there's a great commission, and that there are people all around us every day who are living life without any clue of the kingdom life available for them in Christ. I know that, I really do - and I pray for a heart burdened for that. But all I'm seeing is another method/formula/marketing ploy, a one-size-fits-all mentality that leaves more holes than it fills.
But what bugs the bejeebers out me right now, why I'm risking it all baby by writing this right now, is that I'm not as fired up about this as everyone else is. I'm guilty by lack of association. I'm not in on the joke. It's surreal to me, and while I feel like I'm missing the point somewhere, I feel like telling those congregated that they're loony.
I want to be wrong. I want to be so changed and so challenged and so different because this stuff, or evangelism in general and in particular, takes real deep root in me. I want to get it. And I want it to be real. I don't want my feelble-headedness to get in the way.
Thanks for playing. Goodnight.