Sunday, January 04, 2004
Just got home from our normal Sunday schedule. Dinner at mom & dad's was good, and now I've got an hour or so before I have to be at Pastor's house for a staff meeting.
About halfway through this morning's worship... I got ticked off at God. Is that ok?
I wrote yesterday that I sensed a theme of "humility" for this new year, that 2004 would at least begin with meditation on what it means to be truly humble, to see people through eyes of humility, to look for humble attitudes in those around me. But I thought it was rather rude to TEST ME on it this early in the game. As I looked around, I saw things that made me look down on people. And I did it all morning - until it smacked me back and I realized how UN-humble I had been in my own heart.
No one else noticed it, I'm sure. Probably too self-centered in their own thoughts as I'd been in mine. And even that sentence shows how far I probably have to go. It's more than being arrogant or looking down on people who might be "lesser" in some way. It's just an attitude I recognized this morning that somehow I was "above" - not better or necessarily removed from their positions, just "above" in a superior sort of way. Even an empathetic sounding "I know what you're talking about" was so condescending, so demeaning.
How dare God test me on this. I don't think I'm ready to "be humble" yet. Mark commented: "You never really get there. You can only move in its direction." This morning I found out that I'm not heading in that direction. Probably not on the same highway. At least, haven't found the right onramp yet.