rick & 1j13
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest, when I have preached to others, I myself should become disqualified.
- 1 Cor. 9:27

I've sensed something in me. I know it's probably not like this for you, since everyone else around me seems to have all the answers pretty down pat. But for me, I'm constantly questioning and alternately doubting what's going on. I seek God while He might be found, and I find that I've lost sight of Him by my own lack of discipline and stick-to-it-iveness. No one else has these issues, do they? I'm much more comfortable self-judging, pointing the fingers inward rather than shining light on anyone else's life. And at the same time that I see what's wrong inside, I also live as if everything's 100% alright.

Here's how it happens (I can spot the pattern):
1) I hear a good sermon, or read a meaningful passage, or hear a moving and challenging song.
2) I know a change is needed; I thank God for pointing out my fault.
3) I might get have a few tears - not a really good cry, but wet cheeks from a tear or two.
4) I walk out of the sanctuary, or keep driving, or put down the book, still challenged and encouraged to change for the sake of Christ.
5) But I don't. The moment is lost somewhere between 3 and 5, and I feel like I'm different, but that's just my own perception of my own maturity. In reality, nothing changes. How do I know? It'll happen again, over the same song or the same message or same passage - and I'll either feel like I've heard that before, or I'll be challenged anew, and I'll *know* that I missed out on something the last time.

Sound familiar? Maybe not.
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